IT'S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP!
by the-sun-is-perched
Summary: Emmett wants his chance with the Swanster, baby sitting duty gone wrong? Well, depends on who you ask. Emmett thinks it'll go pretty well, Edward is already rubbing his forehead in attempts to get out of it. Rating due to Emmett's vocabulary/thoughts.


**CHAPTER ONE**

"I dibs baby sitting duty." I tried to stop grinning, I really tried but man, these people knew me. Edward was already giving me that stare down thing he does, You know the one where he looks all broody yet slightly constipated. It's just a little different from his usual face so it's cool if it all blends together for you. Ever since we got back to Forks I was pretty much dying to induct Bella to my dude club. It was pretty exclusive, only the real bad asses got in there... Jackie Chan pretty much was dying to get in, but i'd been ignoring his calls for a while now. There is just a language barrier we can't seem to break, y'know? Bella however had proven herself by some how surviving Edward's little temper tantrum in which we had to move our entire fucking family. I'd just like to toss out there right now that leaving was a dumb ass idea. I tried to tell these peeps, but did they listen? Nah man, they didn't listen. Edward was on his Romeo kick of fail where he had to make her safe. I tried telling him that the only was Miss Danger Magnet Swan would be safe was if you literally put her in a straight jacket, glue her in a bomb shelter and seal it up until she was dead. I didn't mention that she'd probably find someway to strangle herself trying to get out, but I mean being locked in a bomb shelter would be shit anyways so what would it matter? I never said this idea was flawless Bro, just that she'd be safe for a while.

Some people just aren't meant to actually step foot into this world and Bella was one of them. I don't mean that in a Quasimodo way, but in a serious she's-destined-for-death-until-you-just-swallow-your-soul-sucking-debate-and-change-her-yourself way. Hell, I'd even change her at this point. It's not like it was some Dementor shit up in here, like, she wasn't going to freeze to death and just... die of no soul. The worst that could happen was.. Well no, what was the worst that could happen? Souls seemed pretty ridiculous to me, and that's coming from a vampire.

"No, seriously. I'm baby sitting her this weekend. Ya'll bitches need to hunt and I totally just went with Jasper like ... Last night for shits and giggles. Plus, I need me some girl time with the human." I tried to keep my thoughts as innocent as possible but serious shit was going to go down. I had the entire weekend planned out and it was going to be awesome. I could tell Rose was burnin' those beautiful daggers into the back of my head, but I really wanted some human time and we'd broken the shower again and mom was going to be pissed when she found out. Who knew that sex in a glass shower was a bad idea?

"'Are you kidding me, Emmett?"

HOW RUDE. Of course I wasn't kidding, "Don't be jealous we're going to have an epic time while you have an extended family night." I can't even tell you how badly I wanted to spend the weekend with Bella, it was a little ridiculous, even for me. I could feel my leg bouncing up and down just out of being so impatient. What did these people want from me, god damn! "Look Eddieki-" _Death glare._

"Edward." Sir Sourpuss corrected me.

"Fine Edwardo-" Oh man, the look on his face would kill babies. I heard him growl and it took my damn Hulk strength to keep from smiling.

"I'm not gonna hurt her, you know I'm bad ass. If anyone comes knockin' I'll be able to protect the shit out of her. I'm not gonna eat her-" I coughed looking at Jasper sideways, nudging him in the arm. Dude still wasn't the best at taking jokes but If I had his X-Men powers, i'd cheer him the fuck up. "It's gonna be fine!" My leg was back to bouncing, Esme's hand slapped down it trying to get me to stop. What was I annoying these people?

"Just say yes, and i'll be on my way! I already checked with Bella, Charlie's gotta help the Port Angeles' squad this weekend anyways, and she can't be alone and it's gonna be really awesome and..." I took a deep breath and turned on the blue steel, "?"

"When did you talk to Bella?" Alice was being all nosey again, but I loved the midget so I guess I could humour her.

"I stopped by Newton's earlier." Edward sighed all irritated and pansy like, rubbing the bridge of his stupid nose. He knew. Oh god, he totally knew.

"Why?" Alice shut up! Mom's totally gonna ask. I could feel the heat on me and for a moment, I totally knew how Will felt when Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv gave him a hard time and were on the brink of finding out about his super hot hook ups, or general fuckery.

"Cause." This ladies and gentlemen, is what I called playing cool. I actually invented it and wrote the book on it just to help out mother fuckers all around the world when they were put on the spot.

"Why?" Oh she fucking knew how this was going down. Alice just had that knack about her... You know the one.

"I had to buy some stuff." Keep calm, Emmett, keep calm. Edward was just waiting for a situation melt down. Mentally, I thought Jessica Simpson's boobs to get him out of my mind. She really didn't have that great of a rack but usually when I turned on the good ol' porn channel in my mind, Little Virgin Mary shut down and got the fuck out.

"What did you have to buy?" Alice totally was in this. Jasper just smirked a stupid ass Jasper grin as he pulled her into his lap, these bitches were trying to sell me out. Alice leaned over and whispered something in his ear, then his stupid grin grew even bigger, He knew too. I was so sick of them gangin' up on me. Jasper was such a traitor too. We'd always have these bets with each other, or we'd always talk each other into doing really stupid shit... But it was always me that ended up doing it but then there were situations like this where our bromance just turned sour – even it couldn't sustain the mesmerizing cock hold Alice had on him. Bitch was pussy whipped.

"Stuff." I chanced a glance over at Eddikins and even now he was smirking... All irritation had wiped from his face and ... It was pretty obvious where this situation was going. These my friend, were terrible siblings.

"What kind of stuff?" Alice was usually playing on my team, but right now they were on operation Emmett take down. Rosalie was the only one who hadn't popped in yet and I'm pretty sure that's because she was too busy watching this situation self destruct. Usually she'd pop in and tell Edward what a jackass he was being – even if he wasn't. Just for existing, y'know? But not now, she was probably enjoying this too. I made a mental note to withhold sex.

"Man stuff." Jasper looked more like a fool. He could see mom was getting intrigued. Dad was going to let me sit this one out like the bro he was. I could always count on Dad to get me. We had this secret bond, like Batman and Robin. I was of course Batman, and he was dear Robin.

"Likeeeeeeeeeeee?" Alice and her damn sing song voice. Did she think that was cute? Cause it wasn't.

"I hate you." That was all i could say when they ganged up on me like this. I was like little baby Simba surrounded by Scar's goons. Well, if Simba were bad ass, obviously. Well, come to think of it, Simba was pretty bad ass. Throwin' caution to the wind and hanging in the jungle with some bitches while his entire kingdom crumbled. I mean, dude's dad just died, he needs some time to think... But then he just... fucks off like a little shit.. I can't blame him though, he totally get's Nala's fine ass and saves his entire kingdom in the end.

"Tell her." _Edward, shut up. _The Jackass smirked now a stupid jackassey smirk. I could let this go on for days, but I had some super sweet baby sitting duty to attend and you bet I was going to milk this shit.

"FINE." I sighed pushing myself off the couch. I didn't wanna share a room with these traitors let alone a couch. I pushed past Alice and Jasper, but not before my hand went to push Alice back by her forehead... She moved though, of course she seen that coming. Whatever, i'd get her when she least expected it. Rosalie blew me a kiss and headed upstairs – she thought I was going to follow her. Right now she thought I was up shit creek without a paddle... Little did she know I always had a billion extra paddles hanging around because I was just bad ass like that.

"I was getting some camping supplies, and some knives, and some epic shit."

"And a pain ball gun, a cross bow, and..."Alice began, but I wasn't having none of that. Oh no, this shit was not going down.

"'NOT FAIR." She was just jealous I went shopping with her and was going to hang out with Bella this weekend when she got to hang around stupid Jasper, the rest of the family and my angel.

"And the display bear."

"God damn it, Alice! I hate you right now. You just have to ruin everything!" She really did. Like, every birthday she knew what I was gonna get here. Every time I turned around she was already a step ahead, her and her stupid future seeing. I was whispering now in a super irritated fashion because let's face it- I was super irritated, well, kind of.

"I was going to surprise Rose and put it in our room.. Y'know, all symbolic like. And... It's kinda just bad ass." Mom however was lookin' at me with wide eyes, was she really shocked by this? We'd lived together for a billion years now, shouldn't she have been unshockable? I had to get out while the getting good or I was about to sink like the fuckin' Titanic.

"Look guys, I'm not hungry. I'm the strongest and most awesome person here, It's not like I'm gonna take Bella to Seattle, get her knocked up and slap a tramp stamp on her-" Edward was growling like a fool. Why was he such an anal prick? I was saying I WASN'T going to do these things. Calm your shit, Eddie. I guess that only made him angrier. "You know i'm right so just drop the act, Pete Wentz." Cause he was emo – always.

"Emmett," Dad had finally spoken up, he was the voice of reason, a god send. "Do you promise to keep us up to date? Call if you need us?" I was nodding like a mad idiot. Fuck yes weekend of awesome ahead. "Promise Brah, not only that, but she won't leave my sights. There is no way she's going to get hurt, nothing." I heard Edward sigh again and I really didn't care. Dad looked over to Alice and she took a moment before nodding back to him.

"Carlisle... He's not going to hurt her. Bella will be fine." She seemed a little skeptical but since she ruined my surprise so she seemed to be keeping this one quiet. Hell, Alice probably thought in the end it would benefit Bella in the end.

Finally everyone agreed. Edward hadn't taken anymore time, before he rushed out the front door, probably to go meet Bella at work, grovel at her feet and make sure this was okay. Or like, watch her work through the window and recite that Shakespeare shit. Something lame ass like that. It was Edward what more could be expected? While everyone got ready to leave, I went out to the jeep to pack. I needed to get some more supplies just for some more epic shit, but this weekend was going to be one Bella would never forget.

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**Author's note : ** _Emmett is most certainly one of my favourite characters and I find it pretty sad that he's rarely written out. I know I've read a lot of overly serious Emmetts and just... everything I think he's not. This is going to contain a lot of... Well, hilarity and how I think Emmett works, so enjoy! Alright, so I'm not used to writing Emmett in first person so it's taking a little while to get everything down. Next Emmett fic will probably be in third person, but we'll see. Kind of a lame chapter getting everything set up but the next one should be good!_


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